I have been very private, very close-lipped about my life lately. It seems some things are just too privately hellish and painful to share with the world at large. My life is a snow globe these days, being shaken by a force outside of my control. I am learning that it is, in fact, OUT OF MY CONTROL and the only two things I can do is 1) choose how I react and 2) trust in a power greater than myself that there is a plan and it will be revealed, if I listen closely. I am led and cared for.
This is a day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, breath by breath struggle. My heart will flip and feelings often will change 180 degrees within the same beat. Some moments I feel anguish beyond reason, other times I have moments of unbelievable clarity and comfort. When I am at my absolute bottom, something glorious will present itself to me: the first bloom on my gardenia bush, my daughter losing a tooth unexpectedly, a call from a long-lost friend, a late-night text from a repeat customer asking to book a photo shoot, an unexpected card in the mail. In those moments, I take comfort and feel reassured that God is working in my life and that I am led and cared for.
With the support of a handful of AMAZING friends, my wonderful and loving family and the prayers of many, I am trying to listen and follow those whispers of direction from God, my angels, my spirit guides, my ancestors. For me right now, I hear those whispers most often in music and I am reminded of the master plan. I am led and cared for.
Very late last night, after hours of crying, I sat on my back patio enjoying an allergy-free moment of our beautiful Scottsdale Spring. I called and "hugged" friend who is going through similar anguish in her life, thousands of miles away. I took comfort in knowing there are others out there who are there, who have been there, and who have SURVIVED being "there." I poured myself a big glass of water, pulled a chair out under the moonlight and turned my iPod onto shuffle. Immediately, I was happy to hear one of my favorite artists, India Arie singing...these lyrics whispered quite clearly to me. At almost the exact moment, my sweet boy Sam came and put his head on my lap and I looked up to notice the first bloom on my potted gardenia tree. I am led and cared for.
Maybe one or two of you, my dear readers, will find comfort in these words as I did/do:
from "This Too Shall Pass" by India Arie
Sometimes the beatings are so loud in my heart
That I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
That I can barely hear what God says
Then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angel’s whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day one day will be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall pass
The one that loved me the most
Turned around and hurt me the worse
I’m doing my best to move on
But the pain just keeps singing me songs
My head and my heart are at war
Cause love ain't happening the way I wanted
Feel like I’m about to break down
Can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel
So I pray for healing in my heart
To be put back together what is torn apart
And I pray for quiet in my head
That I can hear clearly what God says
Then I hear the whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the Angels whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall pass
All of sudden I realize
That it only hurts worse to fight it
So I embrace my shadow
And hold on until the morning light
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
I hear the angels whisper
that trouble don't have to last always
I hear the angels whisper
Even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday.
I hear my angels whisper.
I hear my angels whisper.
This too shall pass.
