{ musings }

Asparagus & Sun Dried Tomato Pasta

Now that school is back in session, it is time for another deceptively easy yet amazingly yummy weeknight dinner.  My girls LOVE this dish...something about the tangy "bite" of the sun-dried tomatoes contrasted with the garlicky creaminess of the alfredo makes this dish delicious.

• 1 package dried pasta (I used whole wheat spaghetti tonight, but prefer whole wheat gemelli or penne)
• 1c sun dried tomatoes (dry, NOT packed in oil)
• 1 bunch fresh asparagus, washed and cut into 1" bites
• 1 jar alfredo pasta sauce (I prefer the roasted garlic flavors)
• 2 c cooked, cubed or shredded boneless, skinless chicken breasts*

Cook pasta according to directions on package for "al dente."  In the last minute of boiling time, toss asparagus bites into the water.  Drain the pasta and asparagus and put into a large bowl.  Dump in chicken, sauce and tomatoes.  Toss to mix.  Salt and pepper as desired.  Eat!

* TIP:  Whenever bone-in, skin-on chicken breasts (more flavorful than the boneless, skinless kind) are on sale, I'll buy a bunch of them, then boil or bake them.  Once they have cooled, I remove the skin and bones, then either cube or shred the meat the divide it up into rough one cup portions and then store it in the freezer in quart-sized freezer bags. This makes weeknight tacos, chicken salads, pasta dishes or even quesadillas a breeze!

The Apple...

Let's start of with the funny stuff.   

The BEST part about digging through the horrendous trash heap of a storage unit is the photos.  I'm finally getting my scrappy hands on BOXES of family photos which I never knew existed.  I snagged several (shhh...don't tell the PIL!) of my hubby as a baby and growing up, and several more of my sister-in-law Barb (who died several years ago in the TWA 800 crash) for my nephew, Alec. 

While digging through photos, I found this framed snapshot from Christmas 1964 and nearly peed myself!  Without saying a word, this photo will convey quite simply how angry, bitter and hateful my PIL is:

Don't you LOVE that?!  Of course, the electrical tape is only stuck to the Lucite frame. 

5/9 11:30am:  The rest of this post has been hit by the familial censors. Darnitall!   In an effort to preserve the modicum of civility which remains between a couple of The Hubs' siblings and us, I have begrudgingly pulled the rest of this (very funny, if I do say so myself) from public view.  (If you want to read it, e-mail me and I'll send it to you privately!)

Dread

Today I get to spend the better part of my day sorting through the rat's nest which is my PIL's storage unit.  I am trying to keep my mind like this:

but this is what I really feel like:

Another Installment...

...of my screenplay (first time readers will want to read over the archives and catch-up).

SO...it has been less than one month since my last post and my, my, my have things changed.  When I last left you, dear readers, the PIL was behaving like a proper society women (albeit crazily dressed) in her 5 star perch overlooking Camelback Mountain.  Not so much ranting.  Not so much raving.  Simply happy to be living independently in the lap of luxury.  Fast forward to today, a few mere weeks have gone by and boy have things changed!

A little over a week ago, on a Monday night, apparently she smelled gas in her condo and immediately called down to the security desk.  They quickly ushered her out of her condo and called my brother-in-law (who lives much closer to her than we do) to come sit with her.  They took about 2 hours to locate and repair a very, VERY small gas leak in the line to her stove, a not uncommon occurrence in new builds.  At about 9pm they give her the "all clear" and my brother in law ushers her back upstairs and says goodnight.  She calls to tell us that it is fixed and she is just fine.  No big deal.  She is totally cool with it - all's well that ends well! 

W-R-O-N-G!  The next day Olivia and I call her at about 9am to confirm our lunch date that day and I ask her how she is, to which she replies "just fiiiine, honey!"  Exactly two-and-a-half hours later, however, she changed her mind.  While I was loading the new sheets I purchased for her in the washing machine, I can hear her ranting to Olivia (in loud Chinese accented English) "I COULD HAVE DIIIIIIED!!!!" to which I hollered "you DID NOT!" to which she continued "IT WOULDA LOOKED LIKE SUICIIIIIDE!" to which I hollered "no it wouldn't - you're just FINE!" to which she continued "I WOULDA ROTTED HERE DEAD FOR DAAAAAAAAAYS!" to which I stormed outta the laundry room and put my bossiest mommy-finger in her face and said very quietly, but utterly forcefully between my teeth "You did not get hurt.  You are just fine.  You did not almost die.  STOP SCARING MY FIVE YEAR OLD."   Needless to say she backed RIGHT OFF and smiled sweetly at me and gave me her nervous giggle.  I showed her how to use her home blood pressure monitor and it was time for lunch.  Humph!

So...we now also have a Geriatric Care Specialist on the payroll...a very capable woman who takes the PIL to her medical appointments, coordinates necessary medical care and monitors and visits her on a regular basis to make sure she is A) taking her meds on cue, B) eating healthy and regular meals and C) that if she is losing her marbles, she is at least finding (most of) them fairly soon after losing them.  Of course, this is in ADDITION to a least two or three family member visits per week AND visits by friends and other social engagements.    Our latest update from this very capable care worker about a week ago was that the PIL was taking her meds (for high blood pressure, high cholesterol and blood sugar issues) on cue and all was well.  We actually KNEW this was the case because the PIL regularly calls us to moan and groan about how horrible (read:  sleepy) the meds make her feel (duh:  that's what happens when your body gets used to high blood pressure meds).  We calmly explain that this is just her body adjusting to the meds and she'll feel better in a couple of weeks if she just sticks on the plan and takes her meds.  There is some random ranting about the doctor (who she originally LOVED, but now that she is in a bitter blood feud with the friend who referred her to this doctor, she now HATES just as much as the former friend).  Well....as it turns out, it is doesn't matter that she hates the doctor because as of Tuesday, the doctor is now FIRING HER as a patient!  Yes, the doctor refuses to treat a person who is not only openly hostile, but refuses every solid treatment plan that is prescribed.  Good lord, woman!  Is there no end to this?????????????????  (Have YOU ever known someone to be "fired" by a doctor?!?!?)

Fast forward to Wednesday (yesterday) when she calls the Hubs in an absolute TIZZY about how she hates her doctor and how she KNOWS this doctor is part of a larger conspiracy to poison and kill her.  She now REFUSES to take her meds and is "going to have them examined" by the second cousin of her hairdresser's father-in-law twice removed ("a vedddddy well known pharmacist!" says she!).  She also went on a tirade that people are entering her condo when she's not there, snooping around and leaving equipment laying around (not so...this place is like Ft. Knox...it turns out the "equipment" was the smoke detectors she JUST noticed in all her rooms!) and that someone has "broken into" her condo and stolen two diamond rings from her.   UH-OH.  We're back to cuckoo.

Seriously.  WTF are we supposed to do with this crazy old bat?  She sends my Hubs' blood pressure through the roof each and every time she calls him and I think he is at breaking point.  I am this close to going down there and telling her in my calmest, most matter of fact voice this:  "We love you.  We are trying everything in our power to keep you active and involved in our family, in spite of your ranting and raving and scaring our children.  We are spending buttloads of money and even more time and energy to keep you living independently here in the Taj Mahal, but if you INSIST on talking crazy, ranting and raving and accusing people of breaking and entering, they are going to ask yo to LEAVE.   We have changed doctors dozens of times to try to find you one you "like" but you repeatedly find some reason to distrust them and then directly defy those doctors' orders regarding medication, testing and health maintenance.  If you do not take the medications ordered by your doctors (which are the same EXACT meds prescribed by the last several doctors) you WILL sicker, it will be beyond our control to keep you out of the nursing home.  This is IS, sister.  This is your last stop before the FUNNY FARM!  Furthermore, I will no longer allow you to singlehandedly  and repeatedly emotionally unravel my husband, who is working SO HARD to support and nurture his OWN family.   If you insist on behaving like an out-of-control, prideful maniac, you will do so ALONE!"

Ahh...I feel better just WRITING that! ha!  I will probably never say it exactly like this (I know she's nuts and most of it will not register), but I feel better just getting it out!

So there you have it, kind readers.  Another truth-is-stranger-than-fiction episode in my life with the PIL!  Hope you get a chuckle out of it.  After two vodka sea breezes, I can almost laugh about it, too!

Finally, another installment....

Let's start you all off with a little useful information:

Some people with dementia hide their deficiencies well. They avoid complex activities such as balancing a checkbook, reading, and working. People who do not modify their lives may become frustrated with their inability to perform daily tasks. They may forget to do important tasks or may perform them incorrectly; for example, they may forget to pay bills or to turn off the lights or stove.

People with dementia may become withdrawn and less capable of controlling their behavior, sometimes acting disruptively (for example, by yelling, throwing, hitting, or wandering). Several effects of dementia contribute to these actions. Because people with dementia have difficulty understanding what they see and hear, they may misinterpret an offer of help as a threat and lash out. Because their short-term memory is impaired, they cannot remember what they are told or have done. They repeat questions and conversations, demand constant attention, or ask for things (such as meals) they have already received. Because they cannot express their needs clearly or at all, they may yell when in pain or wander when lonely or frightened. About 10% of people with dementia also have a psychosis, with hallucinations, delusions, or paranoia.

Sound like anyone I know???????????????????????

Ok...I know it has been WAY too long since the last installment of my screenplay, but the PIL has been behaving relatively well and thus, no huge news to write.  Oh, and did I mention that she scored me some cash (we'll call it hush money) to spend while in Paris?  Yah...that'll do wonders to shut me up on the ol blog!

Many things remain the same:  still paranoid, still REALLY loud in public, still REALLY mad at her dead ex-husband, still staring down the poor employees in the mall jewelry store, still thinks the CIA is after her, still can't manage her own money, still sees ghosts, still thinks she's pretty much the biggest big-shot here in town...but, other than that, not much to report....UNTIL THIS WEEK.

Y'see, the moment has finally arrived that we've been waiting for nearly 2 years:  Moving Day is tomorrow.   Just about two years ago my PIL signed a contract to purchase a condo in a luxury hi-rise right next to the big Scottsdale mall.   If your recall, this all happened around the same time as the fateful "black Friday." 

Since this time, she has been living in a VERY nice, VERY secure luxury apartment complex about 2 miles away from the soon-to-be-built condo, waiting.  And waiting.  And waiting...and TRYING to behave (although she didn't do too well at that mission).  She has had her bouts of paranoia and assorted run-ins with several of my psycho sisters-in-law (the apples don't fall far from the tree), but she successfully completed her 12-week court mandated anger management course and seemed to be calming down a little bit.

So yesterday, after putting it off as long as I possibly could, I went to her apartment to help pack her up for the move, which is tomorrow.  Of course, since she is not speaking to any of her own daughters, I am the only one left to do it, so I pop Olivia in the car (for comic relief and moral support) and trudge down for a day of packing.   Nothing...NOTHING could have prepared me for how much work this was!!!

It was frightening, really, to see how she had been living for the past year and a half.  I had been in her apartment a few times, but never for more than a quick drop off or pick up.   Yes, it was kinda messy, but she has NEVER been a good house-keeper, and I just know that her standard of cleanliness and order are WAY different than mine.  Since the Hubs hasn't ever really been invited up to her apartment much either - he had no idea of the state of affairs either.  I should also add that she (by choice) eats out at least daily, and likes to take her leftovers home for the next meal....eating out is her only social outlet, so that is usually the only reason she calls us: "come take me out to lunch/dinner!" She wasn't upset about it or suffering in any way...it was clearly, however, waaaay over the deep end.

She had about 8 large wardrobe sized moving boxes filled to overflowing, which appeared not to have even been opened since we moved her in.  There were also probably 7 over-sized moving boxes full of shoes, handbags and bedding.  Her walk in closet was jam-packed with clothes and there were probably about 50 pairs of shoes neatly lined up along all available wall-space.   For over five hours I held up one dress/skirt/blouse/jacket after another and said "keep or give?"  to which she yelled "KEEP!"  or "NO!"  (with an all too frequent "VEDDDDYYY EXPENSIVE!" thrown in for good measure).  When all was said and done, I filled then entire back of my SUV (with NO room to spare) and left 4 full wardrobe boxes and about 5 other large moving boxes of clothes, shoes and handbags to be DONATED!  This was HUGE, because prior to yesterday she was totally averse to donating anything ("I don't want low class people wearing my fine clothes!") so yesterday I used my very best sales-person voice and convinced her that anonymously donating her unwanted clothes to a local battered women's shelter (she suffered in an abusive marriage for years) would be doing a huge community service - and just think of the good Karma that would return to her as a result!  SUCCESS!  Granted, she still has more clothes than Neiman and Marcus put together, but at least I thinned it down to reasonable levels.   I have also informed her that when we organize her NEW closet at her new condo, we will need to get rid of even more...she just giggled at me (I don't think she knows how serious I am!).

At about the 5 hour mark, after I had finished with the clothing, I set to work for 2 hours in her bathroom and kitchen.  Can I hear a collective EEEWWWW!!!????   I really don't think she has cleaned that place in the entire time she had been there.  It was gross-o-rama!   She maybe two plates, millions of washed out old take-out containers, one beat-up sauce-pan and an assortment of hodge-podge souvenir coffee cups.  She has broken a few drawers, scorched the counter top in the kitchen and it doesn't look like the place has been vacuumed in months (or longer).  She doesn't know how to open her windows and she says she doesn't remember how to change the channel on her TV.  She had a 5+ year old toothbrush, 10+ year old make-up and dried up nail polish bottles that looked like they were from WW2.  Old, ratty towels that I doubt could even wash my car and rinsed out paper take-out containers packed away in the cupboards for re-use.   There were 5 year expired prescription bottles, a blood sugar monitor she hasn't used in 2 years ("I don't like it!"), about 20 un-read newspapers and about 100 neatly folded up shopping bags from Neimans, Nordies and Burberry.  As if this wasn't overwhelming enough?  She has an entire storage unit filled with MORE CRAP that I get to visit tomorrow!  Yes, welcome to my hell.

Overall, she was very, VERY nice to me yesterday, and was relatively calm in the ranting department...mostly because she KNOWS better than to go there with me and also because Olivia was there with me.  Actually, she was really pretty sweet to me - for all my complaining, I obviously have a soft spot in my heart for this woman who is the mother of the man I love.  I think she senses I really do care, and for some reason she has decided not to dish the crap out to me that she does to almost everyone else.  Perhaps also because she KNOWS that if she's nasty to me, she knows there is NOBODY LEFT to help her.  End of discussion.

Speaking of Olivia.....I must commend my young daughter for the CHAMPION she was for this long, long day!  She actually had fun rummaging through piles of "dress up clothes" and junk jewelry...it was an ADVENTURE for her!  She came away from the deal with a few glamorous handbags, a lacy negligee and a box full of fun costume jewelry!  Her grandma really does adore her...and while Olivia knows her grandma is a little "off" she enjoys her company.  We stopped at McD's for some Oreo McFlurries on our way home...a hard-earned reward for a LONG day's work, I'd say!

Today I dropped a fair amount of money at Target and Costco and bought her all new linens, a complete set of cleaning products and supplies, dishes, glasses, silverware and a small set of pots and pans, we well as a 4-cup coffee maker, and new trashcans and rugs for her new bathrooms.  Tomorrow morning the Hubs and I will help facilitate the big move and then next week I will help get her "settled."   No more leaving it to the "boys" to manage their mother...I am the new Sherriff in town.

Meanwhile, we will now probably have to help initiate protective orders to project my PIL from one of her estranged daughters (who is loonier than the PIL) who has begun stalking and harassing my PIL over the past two weeks.  We even got word that she has been sneaking around the PIL's new condo (which, thankfully, is HIGH security) trying to glean information about exactly which unit my PIL bought, how much she paid, etc....  Great.  GREAT!  Like the Hubs needs one more thing to deal with?

It is apparent that after we get her moved, we need to aggressively stay "on her" to help her manage her life a little better...so last night we had a serious conversation with her fiscal conservator and are calling in the geriatric care squad.  It is a sad thing to have to do, but she is so hostile and has alienated everyone except for 3-4 of us (the Hubs, his brother, Steven and me...who feel like we HAVE to hang tough because she is, after all,family), that we have no alternatives.  We're going to arrange some housekeeping help, a service to deliver weekly groceries AND a geriatric care specialist to check in on her weekly to make sure she is managing.  It is just TOO MUCH for us to do it all by ourselves, AND she is to getting too freaky when we DO try to help.  I am also going to spearhead assembling a new medical TEAM to help her get her health back under control:  we're going to get the old broad back on her psycho drugs, get her diabetes under control, get her skin conditions cleared up and her dental health ship-shape.  I don't care if she doesn't want us to go with her to see these doctors:  it is apparent she can no longer be responsible for handling her own health or life in general, so we are stepping in.  Thankfully she has a decent amount money, so she's going to have to spend it to get herself the care she needs.  If she doesn't pull it together after this move, her NEXT move will be to a retirement/assisted living facility and she has made it ABUNDANTLY clear she is not on board for THAT plan.

So there you have it.  I hope you had a few giggles and I am sure than more than a few of you are experiencing similar life situations, albeit perhaps not as tragically funny.  Just remember, when my screenplay is famous and I am the next David Kelly, you read it here first!  :-)

They're Gonna Get You!

Not sure if she even knows what the CIA is, but the PIL swears they are out to get her.

Yes, you heard correctly...the CIA is out to get my psycho-in-law!  Now for you, my dear readers, this is a brief moment of hilarity, but for the Hubs, this is a living nightmare, which he has been "handling" several times a week.

For many years the PIL has been paranoid about various people "out to get her."  Since I've been involved with the Hubs for just over 17 years, I've seen the conspirators change, but the story remains the same.  For a long time, it was one of the Hubs older sisters, who we refer to as "The Bag Lady," who was after her mom.  Then the blame fell to the Hubs' father, with whom the PIL went through a NASTY (War Of The Roses level) divorce.  Right about the time we got married, the PIL had a restraining order against my father in law - so the seating chart at our wedding reception was tricky business.  After the divorce, the paranoia shifted to people her ex-husband had supposedly hired to chase her and get her into repeated car accidents (like 3-4 big ones per year!). Even after my father in law died almost two years ago, she said his ghost was haunting her causing her to not sleep at night.

Fast forward to the current paranoid fixation:  The Mexican Mafia and the CIA. 

I think we first heard about the Mafia and CIA theory through our son, Steven.  He usually plays "Driving Miss Daisy" for his Grandma on Saturdays, driving her to nail appointments, social engagements and shopping trips.  Earlier in the year he informed us that she thinks the Mexican Mafia (in the form of former bus-boys and servers in one of their restaurants) is out to get her for her money.  We all had a good yuk-yuk and laughed it off.  Then, right around her little stunt on Black Friday, it changed to the CIA who was after her...probably due to the legions of walkie-talkie bearing uniforms it took to "bring her down" that dark, dark day.  As you probably recall from other episodes in "my screenplay," this theory also gained momentum at the Lala Buse Luncheon. 

Yesterday, poor Hubs (who is stuck in kiln-hot Scottsdale working) took his mother out for the afternoon, being the dutiful son he is.  Apparently the CIA theory has grown:  she is absolutely convinced that the CIA has not only been following her, but they recently poisoned her food which caused her to have (for lack of more polite terms) the runs.  She accuses that they did this so she would have an "accident" in public so they could take photographs of her in stained clothing and then humiliate her in local newspapers.  She is so intent on this theory that she actually went and purchased adult incontinence "panties" and was wearing them under her clothing.

But wait...it gets BETTER.  She then proceeds to show the Hubs a form letter from the management company of her apartment complex.  Several of the existing on-site managers had been promoted and new managers would be replacing them on site.  Standard fare...right?  Not to my PIL!!!  She informs the Hubs that a couple of weeks ago she found a large amount of marijuana stashed in her apartment by someone (who was working for the CIA) who broke into her apartment.  She says she called the managers of the apartment and had them come remove the contraband from her unit.  THIS is why they've been "removed" from her complex:  the CIA is covering their tracks, you see.

OY!  My poor Hubs!

(My personal suspicions?  I think, in her case, the CIA stands for Chinese Insane Asylum)

Lala Buse...(PROOF!)

(and just in case you can't tell, my PIL is the one the middle)

Now...more hilarity on the PIL front...

So we all know the PIL is totally feeling "cooped up" in her luxury apartment in Scottsdale, so we arranged an account with ExecuCar, a very nice sedan service here in town, to come pick her up whenever she wants and drive her to events, appointments, or just "out."  She hasn't yet tried it, but what she HAS done is bought herself a book of senior citizen city bus coupons.  They cost her $.35 a ride, and she has studying the route maps for weeks.  Well last week she hopped on the bus (which has a stop right in front of her apartment complex) and rode.  And rode.  And rode.  She gets on and just rides around for a couple of hours a day.  She says the bus is nearly empty that time of the morning - just her and a couple of Hispanic house-cleaners getting to their morning job, so she feels like it is her "veddy own BIG limousine."   She gets on the bus, rides about 7 miles to a local gourmet market where she has lunch watching all the "rich ladies" of Paradise Valley shop.  She then gets back on the bus, rides half-way back to her apartment, gets off at a Starbucks, where my son taught her how to order herself an iced coffee drink.  She sits and watches the people for another hour, then gets back on and goes home. 

This new pastime is a bit alarming to us, because she wears ALL of her jewelry and no doubt packs her ginormous Gucci or Luis Vuitton handbag when she rides...so she is hardly an inconspicuous target, but since she only rides in the fairly white-bread areas of town, we're not too concerned.  And...based on her previous "incidents" I pity da fool who messes with this angry little Chinese chick, anyway!  They'd probably get a big old can of Chinese whoop-ass opened up on them - the likes of which they NEVER saw coming!  ha!

I gotta hand it to the old gal...she is at least getting out and DOING something.  She could, very well be sitting at home and making us all crazy...or in the Mall harassing poor jewelry store clerks.  Instead, she is using an environmentally and fiscally responsible mode of transportation to get out and LIVE.  The Hubs is very perplexed by this - he just doesn't "get" why she won't just use the sedan service, but I see it as her way of having little daily adventures ON HER OWN.  A definite plus, in my book!

Lala Buse...

She's baaaaaack!

And in full force!  My psycho in law is at it again.  If by some horrible twist of fate you have not been following the story...catch up here and then here.

In order to keep her from chiseling her initials and hash marks on the walls of her temporary (yet very luxe) apartment in central Scottsdale, while she waits for her waterfront condo to be ready, I have acquiesced to the Hubs and now take my PIL (psycho-in-law) out to dinner about once a week.  Really, this is not a big deal...the hubs and kids come along, so there are lots of distractions and usually some pretty good grub.  Oh yah, I also don't have to cook OR do dishes, which leaves time for more worthwhile pastimes, like blogging!

Now, to catch you up, the PIL has been itchy scratchy for two months.  Hella bad itchy scratchy.  So bad, that she regularly calls the Hubs:  "DAVID!!  I sooooo itchy!!!"  to which he usually replies, "Mom, do you want me to take you to the doctor?"  Instead of doing the logical thing and saying OK, she says (every time!) "NO!  I too lazy!"  Sigh. 

So another few days pass and the whole conversation is replayed.  Finally, he took her to a dermatologist and nothing.  No rash, no dermatitis...nothing.  They give her an allergy pill.  We figure we're off the hook....ummm, not.  So time goes on, the phone call routine continues ("I have ant bites all over my body!" says she) and the Hubs takes her to her general practitioner.  Turns out the old gal has been overdoing the jet back, old-Chinese lady hair dye.  She has nothing else to do with her days, so she dyes her hair.  Frequently.  And no doubt over-processes it, which has burnt her scalp red and raw...and also down her neck!  We confiscate all her hair dye.  Another Sigh.

So Wednesday the Hubs has arranged for a client of his (who owns a hair salon 3 blocks from her apartment) to give the PIL an wash & set, then the Hubs invites his mom out for a nice dinner with us on Wednesday night.  She walks over to the salon and they do her up really nice, then she comes home an gets all dolled up pretty and waits for us to pick her up.  We go to a great, new little restaurant called Cafe ZuZu, in the newly re-opened Valley Ho hotel....a once famous hot-spot for Hollywood types and rat-packers.  Their menu is upscale comfort food (you know...$11 mac & cheese, $15 tuna noodle casserole) and the have some yummy cocktails - so I am feeling better really quick. 

The nice waiter pours each girl a Grape Nehi (a treat they never get at home) and puts Olivia's in a Styrofoam cup with a lid and straw so we avert catastrophe.  PIL, trying to be helpful, doesn't realize there is a lid on the cup and "refills" Olivia's cup with the second half of her grape soda...spilling it all over the table.  Nice.  Then, she goes to pass the rolls and butter and tiny crocks of butter go spilling all over the table and onto the floor.  Niiiiice.  Darling waiter whispers in Alexis' ear "Is that your grandmother?" to which she replies "yes."  He then says "Keep the food away from her!" and giggling ensues!!  The rest of the dinner is much less eventful and we drop her off at her home.   She has to get her rest, you see...she is having lunch with Lala Buse on Friday, dontcha know!

Lala Buse?  You ask who the heck is Lala Buse?!?!?  Well it took me a while to figure it out (Slammie...you probably already know who it is!) but Lala Buse = Laura Bush...y'know...George W's wife.  She is attending a fund-raising luncheon for of our our stiff (um, Republican) incumbent senators, Jon Kyl.  My PIL fancies herself a "veddy big shot" and donated $1000 to have lunch with Lala Buse yesterday (Friday).  She attends said luncheon and then has a friend drive her home so she can ready herself for another big function later that evening, with us.

The Hubs an I are investors in a new bank here in town, Asian Bank of Arizona, and they held their big ribbon cutting/dedication party last night. Lots of local politicos in addition to Sheriff Joe Arpaio and Phoenix Mayor, Phil Gordon.   We pick up the PIL (we invited her to join us for the party) and she is dressed to the 9's in her Chinese silks and ready for round two of her big party day.  While in the car she proceeds to tell us that she had "Simon" for lunch (I thought she was talking about a Chinese restaurateur we know named Simon, but in fact, she had SALMON for lunch).  She also informed us that Lala Buse sent flowers to her (not really, just the centerpiece) and that there were "lotta FBI and CIA there to protect all the big shots there."  She then informed us that there were two CIA dudes who followed her everywhere she went at the luncheon to "protect me since I very big shot Chinese lady."   (ummm....hello?  I think they were following you, dear PIL, because they have no doubt read your rap sheet and were hoping to stave off a big scene.)

Once we arrived at the bank party, she shot out of our car like a rocket (never seen her move so fast) to get into the bank and start schmoozing all of her cronies.  Man...that old gal is SUCH a social butterfly!  Seriously, the Hubs and I were amazed to watch her flit through the crowd shaking hands and exchanging "ho-ma's" with everyone!  You woulda thought she owned the joint...she was on FIRE!  The event itself was over pretty quick, so after a few yummy dim-sum bites and a dragon dance or two, we made arrangements for the party girl to get a ride home with one of her cronies (she was NOT ready to leave yet!) and we bailed.

So there you have it.  The story of Lala Buse.  This story, of course, provided the Hubs and I with numerous giggles the rest of the night.  Hope it made you smile, too!

My Screenplay: Installment #2

If you've been reading along , you'll recall my pshyco-in-law's run in with the law back in November.  To update you all, dear hubby has retained a criminal defense attorney to defend my 70 year old mother-in-law against her two criminal complaints.  Then, in order to SEE the actual police reports, the attorney had to plead (not guilty, even though she was clearly guilty...this is the way our law works) and we just got the official report and the affidavits from the witnesses.  NOT PRETTY. 

Apparently she began harassing this jewelry store in the Mall in JULY...and it has been escalating.  In order to protect the guilty (and her son, who is VERY stressed about this!) I won't say too much, except there was spitting involved.  Yup.  Spitting.  And photos of "her good friends" Sherriff Joe Arpaio and President George W. Bush (insert eye-roll here!).  So today, this is a funny excerpt from an e-mail my dear hubby sent me on this matter.  Apparently there might be an upside to sending the freaky little Chinese chick to jail...

"...this got me to thinking……

Two counts of class 2 misdemeanors have a maximum combined sentence of eight months imprisonment.  Suppose she gets the maximum of eight months and then creates a scene at the prison which would be a felony and be punishable by a further sentence of say 10 years.  That would effectively be “FREE LONG-TERM CARE”, wouldn’t it?"

Brilliant!  The man is BRILLIANT!  :-)

ETA: Apparently we've got a lot in common with Phoenix Suns basketball star Amare Stoudemire: check this out! Maybe they can be cell-mates?

The (No) Joy (Some) Luck Club

One of these days I’m going to write a screenplay. I’m going to call it the “The (No) Joy (Some) Luck Club” and it is going to be a huge, meteoric success. In preparation for this screenplay writing, let me regale you with the most recent “episode” of life with my in-laws. (Names have been changed to protect the paranoid and psychotic.)

Let’s go back. Back to the day after Thanksgiving, 2005. Many in retail call it Black Friday, and now we Kwans have more reasons to call it such.

Enter my 70-something year old, 5’2” gray-haired Chinese mother in law. Since her driving privileges have recently been revoked (an entirely different episode, one you SURELY will not want to miss!) she hires a cab to deliver her to Scottsdale Fashion Square, our posh local mall, to retrieve a strand of pearls she had previously left in the capable hands of a jewelry retailer (BIG chain, trust me here) to be restrung. We’re not exactly sure what possessed her to take her pearls to this particular mall jewelry store, since she has a local jeweler she normally uses…but that is neither here nor there.

Here’s how we imagine it went down (from eye-witness reports):

She enters said jewelry store on the single busiest retail sales day of the year to claim her newly restrung pearl necklace. I imagine the helpful clerk dutifully delivered said pearls to her and then all hell broke loose. Apparently my (paranoid, psychotic) mother in law claims they “CHANGED MY PEARLS!” (said in a very surprisingly loud, heavily Chinese accented English).

Again, none of us was there to witness it first hand (and we can’t get a straight answer outta her) but apparently she pitched a WHOPPER of a hissy fit. She claimed (repeatedly, in VERY loud screams) that they swapped out her "veddy expensive!" pearls for some cheap junk pearls.  Apparently several clerks and then store management tried to calm her down, but she wound her self up into a loud, crazy Chinese tsunami, making a spectacle not only in the store, but drawing a large crowd outside of the store. Mall security was called – they were powerless in the face of her self-righteous wrath. Finally it took 5 (yes, FIVE!) of Scottsdale P.D.’s finest officers to forcibly remove her from the store, then the mall, and return one mightily pissed off little Chinese woman to her home.

We didn't hear anything (nothing!  not one peep!) about this UNTIL we received a certified letter in the mail from the mall management, banning her from the entire mall premises, parking lots, structures and restaurants for three months. THREE MONTHS! Are you kidding me??? That is all this woman lives for…shopping, and now that we have purchased and are building a condo in the luxury tower directly adjacent to said mall….what are we to do?????? Oh CRAP! WE'RE S-C-R-E-W-E-D!!!!

So, now for the past three months we’ve been codling her, driving her to social engagements all over the Valley, arranging entertainment for her…ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to keep her away from them Mall. It has been a MAJOR pain in the ass, mostly for my hubby, but a responsibility he dutifully accepted (I can only pray that he will be as attentive when I inevitably go loopy). Now that the three month period was winding to a close, we were looking forward to things getting back to normal.

Recently, however, my (paranoid, psychotic) mother in law starts telling us there have been people knocking (no, BANGING) at her door at all times of the day and evening (she lives in a high security, gated community where nobody should be able to get to her door who isn’t invited). She says she's scared to open the door, and we don't encourage her to.  We think little of this, since she is notorious about her paranoia and conspiracy theories (again, there are several more episodes…you’ll have to wait for those). Well, it turns out those knocks on her door over the past few weeks?

Process servers!

Read on:

CASE DETAIL Case Number: M-0751-CR-200600XXX Case Category: Criminal Case Title: MY MOTHER IN LAW Court: Scottsdale Muni Judge: None Filing Date: 01/25/2006 Disposition Date: Party Name: MY MOTHER IN LAW Party Type: D 1 - DEFNDT/RESPNDT Date of Birth: 09/04/1935 Citation: X20051XXX Count 1: CRIMINAL TRESPASS 2N DEG Disposition Date: Disposition: Count 2: DISORDERLY CONDUCT-NOISE Disposition Date: Disposition: Event Date Event Description Party 1/25/2006 ARRAIGNMENT SET D 1 1/25/2006 SUMMONS ISSUED D 1 1/25/2006 COMPLAINT FILED-PROSECUTOR D 1

So now my poor hubby has to hire a criminal defense attorney to defend my nutball mother in law against TWO CRIMINAL COMPLAINTS!

• Do you think she’ll end up snuggling with Sheriff Joe in his notorious Tent City?
• Do you think the judge will have pity on this seemingly harmless little old Chinese woman?
• Will my husband have to start taking anti-anxiety meds to keep his family from pushing him over the deep edge?
• Will my little girls have to bake cookies to take to Grandma when they visit her in lock-up?
• Will the poor store clerk have a lifetime of nightmares and therapy?
• What the hell ever happened to the pearls?

Stay tuned for another installment of… "The (No) Joy (Some) Luck Club."