{ musings }

Ouch!

Fantastic weekend!
Fantastic start to Monday.
But then....

...and so it goes. Me and my damned feet!  I guess I should consider myself lucky...no breaks, strains, sprains or foot/ankle surgeries in about 4 years...then the damned heavy ceramic bowl full of fruit (precariously placed in my fridge by an unnamed wee-punk) tumbles out of the refrigerator and SMASH! Right onto my toes!

The blood blister appears instantly...the bruise and swelling is getting prettier and bigger by the minute.  These are the EXACT same two toes I broke shortly after my wedding.  Is this a sign?!  I do believe that at least one toe is broken, for sure.

OUCH!  Are there any good looking foot doctors out there who care to offer their services, or at very least, their sympathies?!

The Results Are In....

My docs just called me (after hours) to tell me that the CT results are in!  All appears to be normal in my abdomen and pelvis except 1) I have a bladder infection (meds currently being taken) and 2) my cecum (where small intestine meets large intestine and right next door to where they removed my appendix) is enlarged and irritated (probably a normal part of the healing process).   Both of these could be responsible for my swollen belly and pain.   Good news, however, is that everything else looks a-ok and I should recover nicely. 

They once again said I should "try" to take it easy, but my cool doc's kick-ass PA, Mindi Pope "gets" that I can't possibly take it any easier than I already am.  They get it that the Mama can't do anything less than i'm already doing...and they are supportive whatever I do.  We also talked, at length, about how my anxiety over the whole thing may be negatively impacting my recovery and that even though they know how resistant I am to the idea, that I might consider the short term use (3-6 months) of some pharma help to get me over the hump.   I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I've been off the Klonipin for 2 weeks, and am clearly NOT coping well since going off of it, but that drug is so numbing.  The alternative is something like Zoloft, which I've taken before....I'll have to think about it. 

Anyway, I am relieved.  The pain is still there, and it is real, but I will sleep better tonight.  How did I get so lucky to have such great docs who LISTEN...who really LISTEN?!?!  I also count all of you who have sent such supportive comments and notes...I APPRECIATE each and every good thought and prayer.  I really do.  ALL of this has re-affirmed how very, VERY blessed I am!

Less Worried

Went to my doctor this morning at 9:30am.  She agreed, that while some discomfort while healing is normal, but the obvious bloat in my belly coupled with the fact that tenderness/pain have gotten worse, not better, deserved a closer look.   She ran all the standard tests...discovered what may be the beginnings of a bladder infection (which COULD account for some of this) and also decided I should get a follow-up CT Scan, just to be sure.

Spent 2.5 hours in the radiology clinic getting a CT Scan and finally JUST got the ok to put my clothes on and go home.  I guessed that "go home" is a good thing to hear (it's not what I heard LAST time) so I followed orders, expecting to sit near my phone and wait for my doc to call me with the results.  In swoop my angels, Cori and (Dr.) Hanifa, who KNOWING how hard it was for me to not know ANYTHING, called the radiologist and got a preliminary report that at least says there is no free air in my abdomen.  WHEW!  HUGE sigh of relief...that was what I was most scared of - and would have been a VERY bad thing.  Now I just sit and wait...for the final results.

Thanks for your wonderful words of support and prayers.  They are helping...keep them coming! ;-)

Worried....

..I am worried.

Tenderness in the lower abdomen has been increasing (not decreasing) over the last two weeks.    8 weeks post-surgical and STILL cannot wear any NORMAL pants...that is NOT cool.  Abdomen bloating more and more each day since Saturday.   Burning sensation off to the side of the incision, near my naval...not right.  Pain when I lift, push, pull, cough, sneeze...  Went to Dr. Hunka today and while he doesn't think it is an incisional hernia, he says I'm just "healing."   I, however, am not feeling like this is an adequate diagnosis.  I'm feeling like he may be a really good "cut it open and dig around in there guy" but perhaps not a good diagnostician.  He didn't even really touch my belly today...he should have.  I should have made him.  Something is not right.  I'm going to see the best General Practitioner in Scottsdale tomorrow morning for a second opinion. 

I am scared.  I am actually quite ANXIOUS.  I am freaking myself out because I just CANNOT, WILL NOT do another surgery or hospitalization.  (Yeah, right.  Like I have any choice?!)  I am not mentally prepared.  I am so freaked, in fact, that tonight I am cleaning my desk, printing the family calendar, packing an over-night bag, organizing, preparing....just in case.  Last time it all happened so fast...so sudden...I couldn't prepare.  I am really SCARED!  If you're the praying type...I could use a few.  Hopefully I'm just over-reacting...but something in my body is really NOT right.  I know this.

An End-Of-Year Update

Gawd...I am getting sick to DEATH of all my sappy, moody-broody entries, but I swear, this will be the last for a LONG time.   From now on...pretty pictures, happy thoughts, cute projects, funny anecdotes and perhaps, if you're all REALLY GOOD, perhaps another installment in My Screenplay.

But, for now, since I've been getting so many sweet e-mails wondering how I am, and many more asking "what the hell happened to you?" I have re-categorized all my recent Medical Misadventures posts HERE.   You can click on that link and read backwards through the journey, although I am personally ready to be DONE with it!   I know people mean well and are only asking because they care, but it is so EXHAUSTING emotionally to recant the same painful story so many times.

So, here are your answers.  I am physically healing OK.  The hardest part physically is since they pulled bunches my intestines out to LOCATE the damn hole, then stuffed them all back in (probably not so gently), eating and digestion isn't very pleasant, but should improve.  Others I've consulted with similar situations say 3-6 months for a total recovery of this part.   The other hard part, physically, is that the incision cut vertically through all of my core muscles, so it will be a slow recovery getting those muscles to re-knit. Right now I look like I'm 4 months pregnant and it sucks.  My scar is pretty and pink, I can sit, stand, and roll over again (woof!)...am regaining some stamina for walking.  Still not allowed to lift anything to heavy, but can drive (hooray!).  Thinking I may ask the docs if I can begin a gentle yoga regimen in the next couple of weeks, along with some slow walking on the treadmill (blech!). The silver lining?  I've kept off 10 lbs of the 15 I lost in the hospital and since I have little appetite, apparently this is the weight loss kick-in-my-ass I was wishing for?!?!? ha!

Emotionally it has been tough. REALLY tough.  If you've been reading the blog...you understand. After 10 days of continuous morphine in high doses, then more continuous Percocet, coming "down" was a real drag. Additionally, after I finally was "clear" enough to understand it all, they told me exactly how close I was to NOT making it, or more probably being stuck with bowel re-section or a colostomy at age 42. Happy f-ing birthday to me, eh? Poor David. I cannot imagine what he must have felt like! 

As a result, I'm having some really insane anxiety issues (which is really new to me, as I am NOT an anxious person in the least!).  I have the benefit of some amazing light-worker friends who have helped me tap into this experience and recognize that what I'm releasing a LOT of fear (crazy-ass fears most of which I've never really consciously acknowledged), honoring them, then telling them to get the hell outta here cause I no longer have any use for them here!  It's a painful process to dig that deep, and although I've never been to any formal counseling, I can imagine this is what shrinks do on a daily basis with their patients.   Blech.  So, for all you worriers out there...take a break!  I am doing MORE THAN enough worrying for ALL of us, thank you very much!

In addition, as a short-term stop-gap to allow me to simply get through my days, my docs have me on some really mind-numbing drugs (Klonipin) just so I can function and breathe and be a mom and a wife and take a shower each day. It has only been two weeks on the meds, but I am going to the docs (yes, 3 of them) tomorrow to get everything re-evaluated and hopefully will begin a plan to get off these damn zombie meds PRONTO. I hate MOST OF ALL the fact that I don't feel like me.  It just sucks and I have no intention of feeling like this much longer! (But, I will admit I am scared of that horrible feeling coming back....)

This week I will try to regain some control over my life, without overdoing it (the hard part, for me). I had to cancel 8 photo sessions which REALLY sucks mostly for my poor, wonderful clients (many of whom booked in August and September!) and for the resulting loss of income (bills are now well over $100k and growing for the whole illness...our portion will be up to about $10k...still something not in the normal monthly budget, KWIM?). I am also late on assignments for the gig I'm teaching in Paris in the Spring and am late in some obligations for my new strategic alliances I recently landed with with TWO very important connections. Fortunately, ALL of the people I'm dealing with are MUCH easier on me than I am on myself, and I am practically hyperventilating just THINKING of how behind I am. You KNOW I do not do "late" or "half assed."  ALL my friends who REALLY know me probably "get this" the most.

I am going to be ok.  I am determined to be OK.  My family and ALL my friends are so supportive and people are coming out of the woodwork to offer help - it is nice to feel so loved (but SO HARD to learn to accept the help!).  I am learning some HUGE life lessons about the fact that it is a show of strength to admit vulnerability, and I am trying to use this opportunity (in small, not scary doses) to show my baby girls that they don't have to be superwomen (like the rest of us freaks) and that it is ok to cry and be afraid and ask for help. PAY HEED SUPERWOMEN OUT THERE:   Learn from my experience.  It's OK to show our vulnerabilities (sometimes!) to safe people who love us and whom we trust!

So there you have it!   I for one am COUNTING ON 2008 to start off on a MUCH brighter note and wish you and yours abundance of health and happiness in the New Year!

Waves of Healing

Coming to California for the week has been good for me.  Taking me out of my "element," allowing me time to breathe and heal and be nurtured has been good.  It was good to be surrounded by family and loved ones.  More-so, being near the ocean has once again had it's calming, settling, soothing effect on me.  The pulse of the waves has re-aligned the beats of my heart, and has reset the spinning of my chakras. 

It's funny , because even before leaving Arizona, I found so much of my "healing" while taking many, MANY, long hot soaks each day in baths filled with salts.  The salt water soothes my spirit and takes away so many of my aches...on lots and lots of levels.

I am feeling a certain calmness now.  I am feeling stronger physically and more importantly, emotionally.  I am ready to return home and begin the process of reclaiming and re-defining.   The fact that a new year is beginning on Tuesday is a strong symbol to me as well...a chance to begin anew.  A chance to take this huge event in my life and put its lessons into action.

As I contemplate the trip back to the desert tomorrow, I found this poem by Kent E. Omer which resonates with me right now. 

ME THE OCEAN

As I sit and stare at the Ocean,

My mind then becomes its motion.

So absorbed do I become,

No feelings, no cares, only numb.

We are happy when I arrive,

When we part emotions dive.

Part of me is left to grieve,

Each time that I must leave.

Each [time] do I leave part of me there on the sandy shelf?

Or each [time] am I returning to myself.

Soon there will be nothing to return,

For it will have consumed all of me.

Or will I be complete?

*****************************************************************

In other, happy news, take a moment to pop over and give this very special gal a Birthday shout out.  She is still such a "pup" but her spirit has a sweetness and her soul a certain wisdom that makes her quite precious to me!

Birthday Blessings!

Today is my 42nd birthday, and I am feeling overwhelmingly blessed to be here.  To be here physically, for one, and more-so to be here in the warm embrace of my home and family.

• I am feeling blessed for having learned to listen to my body and act on instincts when something isn't right, even if it sounds goofy.
• I am feeling blessed for an AWESOME physician (and especially her amazing PA's) who ALWAYS listens to me and "gets" that I know my body better than anyone.
• I am feeling blessed for the family and friends who stepped up in the throes of the crisis to help it all happen:  to Amy L. for dropping everything and driving me to the ER, to Cori and Hanifa for pushing me to the top of the list in the ER and to Hanifa for cherry-picking my medical team and overseeing my treatment process the entire time, to Jill S., Kathy S. and Allison F. for taking such good care of my babies on over-nighters, play-dates and driving them to and fro, to Lizz S. & Bob S. who sat up in the ER waiting room with David supporting him while I was in surgery, to my Mom who flew in the day after the surgery and held my entire household together, and mostly to David who is my rock. 
• I am feeling blessed to have had such a great medical team, led by Dr. Hunka and MOSTLY for the amazing nursing staff who really makes it all happen in hospitals!
• I am feeling blessed that I am strong physically and am able to recover such a huge physical trauma and hopefully end up much stronger on the other side.
• I am feeling blessed for the legions of prayer-givers and light-workers who have been working their magic on me and on my behalf...I feel them, folks, I feel you prayers!  In particular, I am feeling blessed by the presence of my true sister-friend and fairy-godmother, Jonell, who came to my rescue at my darkest hour and helped begin teaching me how to deal with my fears, honor them, then release them.  I am also blessed by the good council of my angel-friend Bettina (the shrink) who validated my need for some pharma help to quell the anxiety monster before it's grip got too strong on me...it is HARD for me to take these drugs, but she taught me that it is NOT a sign of weakness to do what you need to do to make it through to the other side. 
• I am feeling blessed that this trauma and the physical and emotional scars it left behind will forever remind me that I am a vulnerable being, worthy of accepting help.
• I am feeling blessed to be able to use this vulnerable point in my life to teach my girls that while it is OK to be superwoman, it is an even bigger show of strength to occasionally show your vulnerable side and accept the help of others!
• I am blessed by my incredibly stubborn over-achiever friend Jennifer K. who INSISTED that we go out for lunch today (and has assembled my core group of BFF's to join us) for soup and bread at Paradise Bakery (my staple these days).   I am also blessed that this same stinker showed up on my doorstep this morning at 7:30am delivering to me HER housekeeper to clean my house (yes, she sacrificed HER cleaning day and even paid the housekeeper) to take care of ME today instead.  WOW.  How did I get so damned lucky to have friends who take care of me so well?

So, today, on my 42nd birthday, I am celebrating.   Not kickin' up my heels or eating any chocolate cake as in years past, but I am surely celebrating!

I love you all, far and near, and hope you know how grateful I am for every kind and supportive word, every card, letter, bouquet and phone call.  You people are amazing!

Sigmoid Colo-Salpingo Fistula

Yup.  That's what it was called.  I guess my colon is going to be famous now.  Woo hoo!  Here are the gory photos I've been promising.  If you click on the image, you can see it better.  The one on the left is my right fallopian tube (which was tied and snipped on 1/26/02) taking up residence on my descending colon.  The photo on the right is my nice, healthy appendix, which they removed just for the heckuvit.  I guess it was kind of a gift with purchase.  Aren't you glad you asked? 

Just Keep Swimming...

In the immortal words of Dorey from Finding Nemo...I am swimming. I just keep swimming as hard and fast as I can trying to keep my head above water. Thanks for all the love and support...you guys rock. In order to avoid too many details, I have gotten some help from a) your prayers, b) some incredible energy work done by my dear sister-friend Jonell, and c) a low dose of anti-anxiety medecine to get me over the hump this next 30 days. The anxiety is completely counterproductive to my physical healing, so I gave in and am trying them. So far, I feel "flat" but am no longer crying ALL day (just parts of the day).  I am also not feeling like the "bubbly Kim" that you all know, but with their help, I feel like I may be able to pull it together. Thanks again for all your well wishes...I will keep you posted on this "journey" I am apparently on!

Vintage Fabric Scrap Pack, originally uploaded by bebe beaux.

In OTHER news, in order to keep myself busy with small, easy tasks that do not require much physical effort, I have posted a bunch of cool stuff over on our Lulubellas Etsy site. Go take a peek...I am especially fond of these darling little collages I made before I got sick!

Do you recognize those sweet little vintage photos printed on cotton from Rebecca?!?!

There are still more things to go up in the store (like more CRAFT APRONS...HOORAY!), but I'm pooped!

Floods

Now that our unseasonably long and warm Autumn is over, it seems that Winter has descended on us with a vengeance here in Scottsdale.  It has been raining HARD over a week now and yesterday the temperatures barely hit mid 50's.   When it rains that much here in the desert, we get floods.  Flash floods that come on out of nowhere and can completely ravage a landscape...destroy everything in it's path, including lives, if you're not careful.

This seems like the perfect metaphor for how I'm feeling right now.  I am feeling flooded with unexpected emotions as I enter my third week of this medical misadventure.  For the past few days I've been avoiding taking any sort of prescription pain killers because I am tired of feeling loopy, and now that I'm "coming down" after 8 days of a continuous morphine drip and several more of hard-core Percocet, I am simply flooded with emotions.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  I can barely talk to some of my most beloved friends on the phone without welling up and choking out sobs, and I am craving the close physical proximity of David and my babies like crazy.  I am having anxiety attacks over the piles and piles of things I need and want to get done...I am a WRECK!  I am mopping up tears from the keyboard as I type this!

Last night, while sitting up to my earlobes in bubbles sobbing my eyes out, it struck me that NOT ONCE during my doctors visits, tests or hospital stay did I cry.  For a very brief moment via text message to Cori and David on the Monday it all began, I admitted how scared I was, but from that point on I held strong.   I bottled it up.  Kept it in.  Made sure that nobody saw how worried I was so, in effect, they wouldn't worry.  Not a tear.  Not a whimper.  Although not a conscious choice, I kept it together so perhaps I (and everyone else) wouldn't have to acknowledge how close I really came to much worse consequences.   Maybe if I didn't act scared of it, it wouldn't be so bad?

I even remember laying in that hospital bed with tubes going into and out of me, machines beeping in the still of the night thinking how could I possibly be breathing so shallowly and so infrequently and still be alive?  Kind of a control game I played with myself....how small and needless can I make myself without it all going "poof" and disappearing?  Freaky thoughts, I know...but this is what was spinning through my most nights at 2am or 3am, alone in my hospital room.

I was a bit of a shrew, in retrospect, basically demanding that David stay home wit the girls rather than farming them off to friends and sitting there worrying with me in a hospital room. I was incredibly insensitive to HIS fears or needs and now I am so regretful of my behaviour.  I repeatedly declined visits from my amazing friends who just wanted to sit with me and keep me company.  It was easier, I guess, to maintain my facade without witness.  Even to the nursing staff, I was the ideal patient.  Very little need, rarely pressing the call button, asking for nothing.  This is how I work...strength under pressure, always taking care of what everyone OTHER than me needs, but when the adrenaline wears off, I fall apart privately, usually without asking for the support I need.

But now, that it seems I am out of danger and I am back home in my safe space, I am falling apart.  Literally, physically, psychically and emotionally falling apart.   It seems the physical and psychic trauma I have been going through has finally taking it's toll.  This post is my effort to acknowledge my pain and fear.  Admit my human-ness.  Declare my need for support.  Commit to BREATHING again.  Really breathing...even if it shows the world the cracks in my armor.  I am calling on all my beautiful, prayerful friends to ask for Divine support.  I am asking all my lightworker friends to send light and love and help me rebalance by chakras.  I am calling on my Reiki masters, brothers and sisters to send me some Reiki lovin'.  I need it all.  Please.

So there you have it.  It's flooding in Scottsdale.